Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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