She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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