saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
