the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
