The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
