wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
