Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
