I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
