I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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