I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
