dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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