Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
