Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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