apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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