I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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