If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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