i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
