see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
