I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
