the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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