If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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