Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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