two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
