I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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