No stitches, just platelets and will power
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
