WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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