I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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