you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
