there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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