John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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