I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
