Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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