I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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