I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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