TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
