Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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