So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
