You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just want to make out with him forever
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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