drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
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