Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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