Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
