dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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