I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
