i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
