my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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