oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
