I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
