do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
