New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
