1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
