Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
