i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
