Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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