Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
