from now on my penis is your penis
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
