Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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