Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
