Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
