Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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