this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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