At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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