One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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