I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
