Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
