despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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