Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
