i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
