you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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