I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
