its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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