So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
