Umm I'm too high to move.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
